I know you do not understand why I yell
sometimes
To you, it comes out of nowhere when
all you did was...
Please understand that rage is but a
manifestation of fear
When I yell, I am experiencing this
fear and sharing it with you
Not in the best way, but how I
experience it in that unloosed moment
when I do not know what or how or when
and why is an unthinkable reality I do not want to manifest.
When I yell, I am saying to you in a
new way because calmly didn't work – you must know when to be
respectful. I have threatened to kill you but we both know I will
not. When you disrespect me, I still love you. If you carry that
behavior with you outside of home, you may be killed.
When I yell, I am pleading with you to
not be killed when it can be avoided.
When I yell, I am frustrated that your
hormonal response to moving into adulthood may too easily be
misconstrued. You must have more control over these biological
changes than other teenagers whose skin burns in the sun while yours
blossoms. You must not stomp away or demand to know why the officer
has asked you so many questions when all you are doing is walking
home from school laughing loudly with your friends while all of you
wear hoodies and carry skateboards or basketballs or --god
forbid--baseball bats and gloves.
When I yell, I am pleading with you not
to be killed because even a wallet in your hand is a weapon.
When I yell, I am entreating you to
understand that no matter what transpired before, this time may be
different. Be they friend or foe, so few people can be trusted; you
have to magically balance this reality with openness so that you do
not close the door to opportunity. Be open and watchful and kind and
aware that your kindness may be taken for weakness. Live peacefully
and sleep with one eye open and, when someone shows you who they
really are, when their deeds reveal their true selves, believe.
When I yell, I am pleading with you to
be careful who you trust or they may set you up to be killed.
When I yell, I am shouting that I love
you too much to sit back and let you fail without trying to catch
you, help you, stop you and you won't listen to reason. I have every
reason to want to see you succeed and sometimes, when I can see you
on that opposite path and rational discussion has yielded no results,
I choose to yell. Every action and inaction is a choice. We all
choose the path with obstacles and pain sometimes but, because we
have the freedom of choice, we can choose to turn to a different
path.
When I yell, I am pleading with you to
learn from your mistakes; you can still be successful if you learn
and grow from them but if you choose stubbornness instead, you may
help yourself be killed.
When I yell, I am screaming I love you,
please do not be killed! Please do not let yourself be killed! Please
do not help others kill you! Please live! PLEASE LIVE! PLEASE LIVE!
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